Part 3 AUDIO VERSION: Messing About on the River - Of London's Private Event Venues

Just press "Play", on the orange button, below.

Part 3: Messing About on the River - Of London's Private Event Venues

Where to hold a family (painting?) party, in London

Yet another shaggy, corporate dog story?

I recently heard Ton Büchner, AkzoNobel's chief executive, interviewed on Radio 4’s “Today” programme. His business made a Billion Euro profit last year and owns some well-known paint brands; including Dulux and Hammerite. He commented on the UK economy and its relationship with the EU and Euro. He also used one interesting phrase which particularly resonated; not least for its Orwellian contortions and distortions: “… we could potentially share some of [our] cost increases with our customers”.

Duty expects: with his good hand on his wallet, Nelson casts his good eye towards the new home of London's Capital, from The Trafalgar.

It’s obviously very gracious of Ton to want to “share”; and it may be good news for his "share"-holders; but other paint brands are also available. Or was he just sending a sly (and highly illegal) public signal to the market and to his rivals, encouraging them to act 'in concert' over increased pricing? Surely not.

I’d recently encountered proposed cost increases elsewhere. Over recent years, I’ve organised an annual birthday gathering for my elderly Mother. She was born before talking movies, you know; before radio became widespread, let alone TV; before Hitler’s “Blitz” – and long before amateurish Blogs existed. I’d booked a hotel tea-room local to her in Blackheath, for the last several years. Mainly because it offered good service and reasonable value, in an intimate setting. Contacting them this year to make repeat arrangements for Mum’s 95th birthday tea, they surprised me with the suggestion of a 17% increase in their price, year-on-year. That seemed like excessive inflationary pressure - and I pointed this out - but the hotel’s banqueting team weren’t interested in discussing their costs and profit margins.

With her birthday so near Christmas, Mum rarely had birthday cakes, growing up. Her own Mother would simply make an extra Christmas pudding as a birthday "treat". As a result, she’s never been partial to Xmas pudding. Hence these actual cakes, personalised in her honour.

Fair enough; but increased Costs at (let's call them) "Venue C"  wouldn’t be a problem for me. They would simply find themselves making a nice, round, zero profit from my event-planning, this year. The market can ‘vote with its feet', after all. Other venues are also available; and venue "C" had Complacently Created a Cause for me to Consider alternative Choices – something that hadn’t previously Consciously oCCurred to me.

Since it was also a landmark birthday number - and since good value high-tea was now ‘off the menu’ (see what I did, there?) at venue C - I scouted around for something a little more ‘special’, nearby. Sometimes it’s only when you're forced out of your comfort zone that you look up and spot better alternatives; of which, typically, London has lots.

The Mitchells' boozers: The Queen Vic - 46 Albert Square, Walford E20; and The Admiral Hardy - 7 College Approach, Greenwich SE10. Neither caters for tea parties; and one may not even be a real pub.

Have you ever watched the BBC's 'cockney' soap opera, “Eastenders”? This London family called the Mitchells had a boozer out East, down by the river and the market, right? Well, I might know where the idea came from: my Mum’s Great-Great-Great Grandfather, Henry Mitchell, was landlord of The Admiral Hardy pub, out East, down by the river, on Greenwich Market, back in the early 19th century. The stories he could tell ...

A view up-river through famous windows, towards The Admiral Hardy pub. With strong, historical family connections nearby, The Trafalgar was a fitting alternative birthday venue.

Just a few hundred yards away from the Admiral Hardy (and four miles from Tower Bridge) lies the genteel Trafalgar Tavern. So that grand old landmark seemed an apt alternative venue for Mum's birthday event; reminding my family of Greenwich's significant place in our ancestry; and where, indeed, a great time was had by all.

It's a Family Affair: The Trafalgar's Nelson Ballroom, overlooking the Thames; suitably bedecked for a celebratory 95th birthday tea.

Opened in 1837, the Trafalgar stands within a World Heritage Site (as does the Admiral Hardy): a very special, landmark setting, with spectacular views along London’s river. Once popular with the Victorian literati, nowadays, its first floor is a popular private-hire venue; not least, with me. For little more than the cost of a now over-priced tea in a land-locked Blackheath hotel, we found ourselves setting sail and breathing in deeply of the Capital's salty heritage; taking in prime views over one of the world's great river-scapes.

The Trafalgar Tavern, Park Row, Greenwich - seen from the river-walk.

Charles Dickens, William Thackeray and Wilkie Collins were all frequent Trafalgarists - and no, that's NOT a euphemism! It’s claimed that Dickens wrote and set scenes from his famous novels here; including the wedding dinner from his 'Mutual Friend' (see below). 

The Wedding Dinner at Greenwich, by Marcus Stone. From "Our Mutual Friend": Chapter Four, "A Runaway Match". Originally published, in periodical form, August 1865 [image scanned by Philip V. Allingham].

Around that same time, Prime Minister William Gladstone was amongst many who used to sail down-stream from Westminster, to enjoy the Trafalgar's famous whitebait suppers. It's a place truly redolent with history; reeks of it, in fact. Commemorative boards attest that celebrities were still crunching the whitebait here, at their rhyming "Saints and Sinners" dinners, much more recently. The list of illustrious former guests' names includes everybody's favourite football “Saint”: Gary Lineker. Now he’d never “share” his increased costs. Would he? Nor would he share his crisps nor his whitebait either, I suspect.

Famous London footballing Saints & Sinners: Gary "Whitebait" Lineker (right) with his Cockney buddy, Paul "Tears of a Clown" Gascoigne.

Let's talk again here soon.

Your Addicted London Buddy,

Max ("F-H-W")

Footnotes:

1) According to the Office for National Statistics, UK inflation to the year ended Jan. 2017 was +1.8%.

2) I want to go to a friend's party; a friend's party! - from “I Love London”, by The Crystal Fighters. 

3) In 1845, the licensees of the Admiral Hardy pub ("Mitchell & Son") were given permission to convert a large room in their pub, over the newly built arch on College Approach, into a small theatre with a tiered balcony at one end. The Admiral Hardy Music Hall later became known as the Royal Clarence Music Hall. It is described by The Theatres' Trust as "an extremely rare survival of an 1830s/'40s purpose-built public house concert room" - although it was "finally closed in 1890 as a result of the 1875 Metropolis Management Act". So the stage is in my blood, it would seem.

Part 2 AUDIO VERSION: Of London's "Bread and Games"* - Recycling the Past ...

Just press "Play", on the orange button, below.

Part 2: Of London's "Bread and Games"* - Recycling the Past

Welcome back! So glad you could drop in, again.

Good Queen Bess, bloomers akimbo, arrives at Stratford ... or was it just a double, falling in for St. Danny's pageant?

TBH, It's Less About the "Bread" ...

... and actually more about the "Games". Given this city's pre-existing panoply of premier, public entertainment purlieus, Londoners rarely experience the prospect of a new one. Recently, however, a former work colleague (Steve) invited me to join him at arguably London’s newest, to watch West Ham United meet Manchester City in gladiatorial combat at their new home (since August 2016). Which I call “arguably London’s newest premier venue” because, at heart, it’s not really new at all. It’s just a recycled old Olympic (and Paralympic) stadium; one specifically designed NOT to have become a football venue. Surely, only Seb Coe could preside over THAT sort of sporting legacy; but it’s OK. It’s not his fault, apparently; he never opened that attachment.

Stadium construction commenced away back in May 2008; since when it’s been described variously as “not an architectural achievement”** and "tragically underwhelming"***. Nominated for the 2012 Stirling Architecture Prize, it lost out to a laboratory block in Cambridge.

The Southern approach to "The London Stadium". Not so architecturally important as some building in Cambridge.

Perhaps most critically of all, the stadium has quickly established "a reputation" with those football fans who are expected to use it. Here’s a selection of their views, lifted from just one facebook stream****: “don't think it works as a football ground”; “strange-looking … lots of gaps”; “soul-less; full of suits”; “don’t think I wanna go back”; “horrible ain’t it?”; “clearly a quick bodge job… it was never going to work”; “Lord Coe is to blame for that. But we're stuck with it”; “I hate it… the fact it's not a football stadium is what gets me”; “(instead of) a carnival atmosphere ... we have this c*nt of a soul-less bowl. The view is sh*te. It's very hard to generate atmosphere. The stewarding is terrible … We are the most plastic team in the UK”. There’s even a (far-fetched?) conspiracy theory, expressed by some: that the heavy-weight stewarding is intended to coral fans (and their remaining, post-match money) irresistibly into the nearby shopping centre and casino.

A FaceBook 'meme' passes harSH judgment, in neon.

Undaunted, Steve & I set off for Stratford (six miles from Tower Bridge). Now, Shakespeare was not renowned for his love of sport. His idea of a Premier League insult was to call someone a “base football player”*****. Apparently unaware of The Bard's antipathy for sport, however, Danny Boyle adopted an ‘Isles of Wonder’ theme - inspired by “The Tempest” - for his laughable, lavish, ludicrously self-indulgent and overly-reverenced 2012 Olympic opening ceremony.

In Dick Van Dyke's authentic cockney accent: "Love a duck and let's 'ave a knees-up. Gawd bless the NHS, your 'Ighness!" - as Prospero famously never, ever said.

One commentator observed: “His homage was noble in intention… but fundamentally misplaced”******. As was any expectation that Steve & I might have harboured for a tight footballing contest, that night at TLS.

Surprise! Surprise! Commemorative CD's are still available; but would Old Bill have appreciated Danny's sporting homage?

As for my personal, neutral view of The London Stadium:

1) It's isolated: a long-ish walk from congested Stratford station (or, in fact, from anywhere, really). We had more luck heading North, for Hackney Wick, after the game.

TLS (floodlit, centre) in the middle of the old Olympic Park. Stout walking shoes are recommended.

2) As a result, lots of people arrive very late. It's a long way from the nearest pubs; and it takes much longer to get in, through the mass stewarding, than you might expect.

The new roof, alone, cost over £41 million.

3) There are too many bizarre, 'blanked' areas; leaving the place feeling un-atmospheric; like – errrm, a converted athletics stadium ... perhaps unsurprisingly(?).

'Blanked' areas: a fundamental flaw in the stadium's conversion design? (Photo: Tony Mullins)

4) ... But the sight-lines are good.

Even in the very back row of TLS, you're not as far away from the pitch as at some other premier sporting venues; but it is difficult to see those 'fading and dying' bubbles!

I’d score it 6 out of 10, as a stadium. The trouble is, it just doesn’t feel like “a football ground”; but there are very good reasons for that … and I’m not just referring to the performance of the home team.

Yaya Touré beats Randolph from the penalty spot, in the 67th minute; making it 0-4 to City, in front of an already-emptying TLS. West Ham "Untied" were simply second-best, in all departments - including their stadium.

My overall verdict? I'll borrow from wise Old Bill, again: “There's no such sport as sport by sport o'erthrown” *******... probably!? I await Danny Boyle’s official re-opening ceremony with interest.

Let's talk again here soon.

Your Addicted London Buddy,

Max ("F-H-W")

"I'm dreaming dreams,

I'm scheming schemes,

I'm building castles high.

They're born anew,

Their days are few,

          Just like a sweet butterfly." ********

Star Man? Granted the freedom of Stratford by his generous hosts, Man-of-the-Match Gabriel Jesus grabbed a goal and an assist on his first Premier League start. So where now, for City's Sergio Agüero?

Footnotes:

* From “Satire X”, by the Roman poet, Juvenal

**Ellis Woodman, “Building Design” architecture critic

***Tom Dyckhoff, “The Times” architecture critic

****Various FB contributors quoted: Tim Cooper; Jo Troy; Tony Lloyd; Robert Noonan; Harry Lee William Moore; Kevin “DeBruyne” Rhodes; Steve Herbert; Jamie Sutton; Billy Clark

***** Shakespeare's “King Lear” (Act 1, Scene 4)

******Oliver Brown, in The Daily Telegraph (23rd April, 2014)

*******Shakespeare's “Love's Labour's Lost” (Act 5, Scene 2)
********from the original lyrics of "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" (J. Kellette, J. Kendis, J. Brockman & N. Vincent, 1918). 

Part 1 AUDIO VERSION: "Londoners Anonymous"

"Lon-don ... is the place for me!"*

Take a look; or take a listen (by clicking "Play" on the orange button, below). Read and think - or just absorb, via osmosis. We're VERY multi-media on THIS blog.

Your Addicted London Buddy,

Max ("F-H-W")

Footnotes:
* "London Is the Place for Me" (Aldwyn Roberts - a.k.a Lord Kitchener - or "Kitch", 1948)